Bad Boss Cult and the Quiet Revolution

Plus the best compliment I ever received

(Originally posted on The Clarity Reset substack)

If we know traditional leadership doesn’t work—especially in complex times—why do we somehow feel reassured when an authoritarian is at the helm?

Is it actually better?

And what can we do about it?

Last week, a reader sent me a note:

“A frustrating reality is that many people are reassured by having a ‘bad boss’ in place. ‘Wow, they’re a horrible person. They must be really good at something, though!’”

As much as I wanted to say No! Not true!—I knew it was. We see it all the time.

Daniel Goleman’s Six Leadership Styles (thanks for this, Mounica Veggalam) outline different ways to lead. Think of Goleman’s take like a Swiss Army knife: use the right tool for the job. But what actually happens? Most leaders default to the same blade over and over—usually the bluntest one.

One time when authoritative leadership did make sense? Goleman describes a clear example during the World Trade Center attacks, Bob Mulholland of Merrill Lynch said:

“We’re getting out of here now and you’re coming with me. Not by the elevator—take the stairs.”

Crisis. Clarity. Action. It worked.

But afterward? He followed up with a human-centered, affiliative approach—coordinating personal calls to every client personally to check in. That’s leadership with range.

The problem is we keep leaders in that “crisis mode” posture long after the actual crisis ends. And sometimes, we mistake control for competence.

Why do we let bad bosses stay?

• We believe there must still be a crisis.

• We’d rather someone else be responsible (and take the fall).

• We’ve been socialized to follow orders, not question them.

From schools to social media, we’re taught to seek approval, stay quiet, and wait for permission.

Even when something feels deeply wrong—like when a client is blatantly racist, or your workplace just feels “off”—we hesitate. We think we need more clarity. More evidence. A perfectly-worded objection. And so, we stay silent.

But here’s what I know:

Bad bosses don’t work. Not in calm times. Not in crisis. And definitely not in complexity.

And yet, when leaders feel overwhelmed, many default to the same behavior they hated in their own bosses. I’ve seen it with clients over and over. They “muscle through.” They micromanage. They control.

We mistake noise for knowledge. We assume confidence equals competence. We hand the mic to the loudest person in the room.

Flashback: I once went on a date with someone who talked at me for a solid hour, using multisyllabic words—incorrectly. My BS detector was strong even then. I found out mid-meal he never went to college. He was just trying to impress me, and it was so obvious. And so frustrating—I didn’t get to meet the person under all the show.

A Family Guy TikTok video clip from @anidom exemplifies how we use words to sound like we know what we’re doing.

But I’ve seen that exact behavior in workplaces too. Especially in leadership. People puffing up, using jargon, tone and posture to hide insecurity.

We’ve been sold a model of leadership that says:

“Talk loudly. Move quickly. Be confident—even if you don’t know what you’re doing.”

That’s not leadership. That’s performance. And it’s exhausting for everyone else.

When we’re in complex situations—not crises—we need something different.

We need everyone doing their part, bringing their gifts, adjusting with the moment. That’s what ecosystems do. That’s what complexity requires.

Leadership Lessons from Nature

In nature, there is no “boss.” No one’s yelling at the ants to hit their KPIs or telling the ferns to get in line.

Each element of an ecosystem does what it’s here to do, and trusts the others to do the same. There’s responsiveness, not rigidity. There’s adjustment, not domination.

I grew up on the edge of the forest. Just imagine someone barging in among the pine needles and shouting,

“You! You’re in charge now! The rest of you—report to her!”

Nature would just…ignore them. Or laugh.

(And honestly, so should we.)

And yet, in many of our organizations, we still promote the loudest voice. The puffed-up bravado. The jargon-wielder.

But what if we stopped?

What if instead of elevating stars, we built constellations?

Jane Wei-Skillern and colleagues talk about this beautifully: strong networks of distributed leadership that operate through trust, shared values, and collective contribution—not control. If we want to ensure that the impact of our collective work is dramatically greater than the sum of the individual parts; If we want to advance a purpose or mission of good in the world, in our work; If we want to create spaces where people create, grow and thrive, we must

Build constellations, not stars.

Photo by Adrian Pelletier on Unsplash

The Quiet Revolution Is Already Underway

I read the David Brooks’ NYT piece this weekend, “A Surprising Route to the Best Life Possible” in which he shares a brief story about 22-year old Tony Wagner who asked a disciple of Gandhi what revolution means. The response was:

“Revolution is the dynamic process of transforming individual virtues into social values.”

Brooks’ full piece is totally inspirational and I’ll share other reflections with you at another point in time. But, that line stopped me in my tracks.

Because that is what we’re doing here. We are launching revolutions.

Every time you act from your values.

Every time you choose collaboration over compliance.

Every time you say, “Things could be otherwise”—you are part of a quiet revolution.

That quote changed Wagner’s life. He realized teaching—not shouting, not taking power—was his most revolutionary act. He’s been teaching ever since.

So let me ask:

What if the role you’re already in is your revolution?

You don’t need a title. You need integrity, community, and a willingness to trust yourself.

If you’re not the boss? Go lateral. Go relational.

• Start the book club.

• Create the “real talk” chat thread.

• Build the ERG.

• Convene the hallway caucus.

• Be the person people come to when they want truth with kindness.

If you are a boss?

Start letting go of control.

Start building trust.

Start connecting the light instead of being the source of it.

Let leadership flow across your team like roots through the forest floor. Invisible, interconnected, essential.

This is how we survive complexity.

This is how we unseat the bad boss.

Not through battle.

Through building.

Through choosing to lead from wherever we are.And let’s redefine what a leader even looks like while we’re at it.

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Best compliment I ever got?

In undergrad, I stopped by work to tell my supervisor I needed to leave early for an academic award ceremony. She looked at me and said:

“Jen, what? I had no idea you were smart. You’re so nice!”

It cracked me up. As if those two things couldn’t possibly go together.

But I knew exactly what she meant.

My college senior photo.

And I’ve held onto it ever since.

Because that is the leader I want to be—and the kind of leader we need now.

Nice and smart. Kind and powerful. Bright and connecting.

Not because it’s cute. Because it’s effective. Because it’s what helps people stay, grow, and rise together.

“The best bosses balance performance and humanity. They drive results while also treating people with dignity and respect.”

—Robert I. Sutton, Good Boss, Bad Boss

You don’t have to be loud to be powerful.

You don’t have to be in charge to make change.

You don’t have to wait to begin.

The quiet revolution is already happening.

Thank you for being part of it.