Our Obsession With Perfection in Changemaking Leaders
Entering my senior year of high school, my parents hired a photographer to take my senior pictures. I remember sitting under the lights, with multiple outfit changes, wearing make-up and jewelry that would be documented for history.
The photographer said, “Use a different smile.”
After a few awkward attempts, I said–through my toothy grin– “This is my smile. Take the picture.”
A few weeks later, we returned to review the proofs. There was my smile. But the beauty mark a.k.a. mole a.k.a. dot that is in the middle of my nose was missing. I freaked out at the photographer.
Granted, we had just read Hawthorne’s short story, The Birth-Mark…remember that one? The heroine has that hand-shaped birthmark on her face and the husband’s obsessed with removing it to make her perfect. I was fired up:
“Where’s my nose dot? You erased it.”
“Oh yes, we just edited that out. We didn’t figure you would want a mole in the middle of your face for your photos.”
“But it’s there. That is actually in the middle of my face. I want to see it in the photo–otherwise, the picture doesn’t look like me. My future kids are gonna say: Who the heck is that? Where’s your dot?”
I was pissed. Who was this person to imply that I didn’t look good enough the way I actually looked, so I needed to be edited. No. Just no. Begrudgingly, the photographer agreed to go back to the original unedited photo.
So often, others try to convince us that we are something else. That we should be something else. That we should at least appear to be something else.
We have the choice to buy into whatever they’re pushing, deny ourselves and live into someone else’s expectations or to embrace ourselves–with all our spots (literal or otherwise)--and shine as who we really are: our whole selves.
I truly, truly believe that…
And, it was a whole lot easier to embody as an eighteen-year old than it is now.
Now, in mid-life, a woman committed to making change in the world. And ever searching for models of health, wealth and happiness. People who are doing good in the world and are living their best lives.
So often, those we see as Changemaking role models are elevated to a practically untouchable status. Based on media, stories and even personal experiences, we may believe that the changemaking work they do is their full life. That every minute, they are focused on doing good in the world, fighting the fight, making a difference.
Maybe we think of them as saintly. Maybe we think of them as goody-goody’s. They must not curse. They probably don’t drink. They likely donate their whole paycheck to other good causes.
Have you ever caught yourself thinking that?
Or, ever taken the opposite view… something like: “She can’t really make a difference in her work because she has too many personal issues.”
Changemakers are not saints. We are holistic humans—wonderful, flawed, cracked, and committed to change.
While it may be obvious, I think it still needs to be said aloud (go ahead, you can read this part out loud): The pedestaled, saintly vision of Changemakers is not real. It’s the photoshopped version of them, not their actual, whole selves.
Changemakers are human. Holistic beings. With warts. With moles. With problems. With families. With messiness. With bills to pay. And with a core commitment to making a difference in the world.
It’s the whole person—living on this planet through a human experience—that actually makes them who they are. Makes us who we are.
When we share only one slim aspect of ourselves as we do this work, we are creating a disservice to our colleagues and clients.
When we share only the pretty, the put-together, the “professional”—and omit the parts that are hurting or broken—we continue a narrative of us and them, a narrative that elevates changemakers as super human and does not allow average, everyday people to see that they are and can be changemakers, too.
Most of us are committed to working alongside the communities we care about—not as the ‘sage on the stage’. And if we truly have integrity, we have to let people know that we, too, are just people. Wonderful and flawed people.
This is an invitation to consider: What would it be like if you were able to share a glimpse of your personal journey within your professional life? What would it feel like in your body if you were accepted, welcomed and valued for the other aspects of you?
What would it be like if you admitted being extra tired and unfocused today because the baby was up all night?
What would it feel like if you acknowledged your own mental health struggles and journey of healing instead of hiding it?
How would your body respond if you offered some of your own artwork for the office rather than buying something generic online?
I’m not suggesting over-sharing or divulging sensitive or personal information at the staff meetings. I am suggesting, however, acknowledging your story and your journey when it makes sense as a way to connect with others, acknowledge our commonalities and assure that none of us are actually alone. For you, that may mean:
Speaking up when it’s uncomfortable
Inviting others to share their experiences when they feel moved to do so
Holding space for things we do not know about each other
Offering grace when others act in ways we don’t understand
Allowing others to see—even for a moment—our own vulnerabilities and insecurities
Asking for support especially when it’s the last thing you want to do
As we continue to do human-centered work, we must also remember that we are human. No one benefits if we hide our true selves.
Like Marianne Williamson says:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
We are strong, we are worthy, we are loved. We can and must share our humanity with others. Sending care to you today.❤️🌈